Motherhood. Does it ever really come the way anyone expects? Even if a pregnancy is planned and the baby is delivered on the date the doctors predict, there are still plenty of surprises to be had–especially the power of a newborn spirit. Watching my newest niece being born this past Sunday proved that to me once again.
There are those of us who plan from our earliest recollections to be a mom and it doesn’t come and it doesn’t come… A state of wonder, after many years, becomes a way of life. Even after many ups and downs, during moments of faith at a new personal best, the question “When will it be my turn?” is a familiar friend.
I will never allow anyone to convince me that getting married at almost 19 the first time was a bad idea or that getting divorced 12 years later was the result of the first decision. It’s amazing how life is tailored to our needs. Because of my years married to John and my experience with infertility, I’ve been able to go places, meet people, do things, teach things, and learn things that I never would have if my dream of being a mom came when I expected it to.
One hard lesson to learn over the past 15 years was that hopeful, dream filled plans already set in motion will not vanish just by talking about them. It sounds crazy, but that’s really how I felt. I came to realize that way of thinking was based on worry about what other people might think or say–because of the ugly things people say (I’ll save the remarks of dimwits for another chapter). In the end, none of that matters. For me, it helps to talk–or in this case write–about what I’ve learned and am learning. So here I am.
There are two very big catalysts launching me into this new phase of my journey called Adoptive Mom-hood. The first one is Alan’s niece, Samantha. The second one is the baby we will be adopting this summer, due in July.
As you may have already read in previous posts, Samantha has come to live with us in the hopes of future adoption. The actuality of this hangs on several complicated details that I won’t go into right now. In the mean time, Alan and I have reveled in the moments that glitter. Moments that come in and out like a flash, but leave their mark. Moments that feel like Samantha’s always been a part of us. It’s been an interesting challenge, but we welcome it. And right now we’re letting the bright moments lead us into the unknown.
Yes, you read that correctly up above. We are going to adopt a baby in late June or early July. The birth mother is a beautiful young woman in Alan’s class at school. I will keep her name private until–and only if/when–I have her permission to share it, but how could I even begin to describe how we feel about her? The way she is dealing with this challenge in her life keeps us in awe. I get good natured knots in my stomach when I think about her. We have learned to love her for who she is and not just because she’ll give birth to a child that we have been praying for.
It’s not very often that I leave the office for lunch, but the other day I was feeling the need to just get out. I didn’t know where I was going when I walked out the door, but I ended up at Target thinking I would meander for 45 minutes. Without much thought I was drawn to the baby section. As I walked slowly down the isle, passing the bottles and bibs and then stopped in front of the newborn baby mittens, I got an unmistakable answer to that ever hovering question. “Now it’s your turn.”