Relationships: Marriage

Relationships

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” – Carl Jung

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There was a unique start to the commemoration of this, our 3rd wedding anniversary. My ex-husband (JF) called this morning.

No, it wasn’t to wish me a happy anniversary–he’s never been one for remembering things like that. It was to share information about himself. Information which actually gave me peace. It also gave me cause to reflect on what defines a good marriage.

First, it’s important to understand my current status with JF.

After the gigantic mess of “the end” and the acceptance of “my new beginning” four years ago, I took my grandmother’s advice and did my best to not waste energy on anger. It took me a while. There were days I didn’t want to get out of bed. But I knew if I stayed angry then that would mean I just wasted 15 years of my life. At the point of my divorce, I had spent half of my life in this relationship. I really wanted to just take the good and go with it.

So, I determined to just be a sounding board for JF and let as much anger as I could be washed away.

A priceless lesson I learned in those 15 years is that I am not, and never will be, JF’s judge. I learned that the hard way. And now all I can do for him is listen. It’s enough to mend souls. Some souls now, some later.

This blog post is about Alan though, really.

It’s about his unearthly gift of easily expressing honesty. Because he is this way, he is always on the look-out (or more like ‘feel’-out) for someone’s truth, be it me or my ex-husband.

There is some anger from my first marriage that I buried too deep to be washed away easily. It’s sub-conscious and it surfaces at times–just enough to help me realize there’s more of me to manage. Enough to cause Alan pause. And when Alan pauses, he uses his gift. Not hostile or demeaning, his honesty is full of a genuine, pure desire to help, to protect me from myself. He reminds me that is not who I am. That is not my Authentic Self.

That initial chemical reaction upon our getting acquainted came when Alan used this gift on me the very first time. It happened on that first night he came to my apartment to visit me. I don’t remember the exact details of our conversation when I felt it… I remember thinking that I didn’t really know the feeling of trust until then.

This quality of Alan’s is also a reason I am on good terms with my ex. Alan expresses that genuineness about JF and supports all of our conversations. Which is why today’s phone conversation with JF gave us both hope for his happiness, that he finds his truth again.

Trust. Alan and I have to constantly work at this in our marriage, but I know it’s our glue. We’ve been through a lot, it seems, in the short time we’ve been together. When we add enough glue to the cracks in our lives, that’s when we thrive.

And the chemical transformation continues to take place. And I love ‘My Al’ all the more.

I posted this on Facebook, but it deserves to be said here too…

Happy 3rd Anniversary to us. I bet y’all didn’t know I love my husband so much. Okay, I’m sure you did because I don’t hide the fact. Okay, I tend to blurt it out at every opportunity…in all kinds of ways of being prideful. You’ll get no apologies for my pride though.

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