Coming Out of the Dark

Stroop Therapie

 (Dutch translation = Syrup Therapy)

A new Evolutionarily series chronicling the moments that left their mark during a time of self discovery and renovation.

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Before I get into my journal entries, I think it’s important to understand where I was coming from. The details of how my marriage came to an end are the stuff of soap operas. I’m not being dramatic about that. You’re better off not knowing. So here’s what I will tell you…

My former life was framed on a foundation of beautiful principles and included many blessed moments. Unfortunately, the fog of addiction often clouds beauty and truth, taking advantage of every weakness. Losing the belief in ones self is the ultimate lack of truth and densest mist of darkness. When this fog thickens and surrounds, one cannot tell the beginning from the end. All we can do, it seems, is believe and hope and pray that there is in fact an end and that all will one day be made right.

In the mean time, walls built of the worldly success are forged in an attempt to protect any real happiness from escaping, in the doing what was thought to be right. At this point, it’s difficult to distinguish the real happiness from the defensive walls. It has become an endless maze of confusion. There are, however, sparkling nuggets of hope in an occasional and unsuspecting corner, lending strength for a time. Happiness begins to seem like a farce because it’s there and then it’s not, like a cruel vanishing act.

I remember a time when I was engulfed in this fog especially well. It came in year 10 of my marriage. It was one of those moments: A promise came from the Spirit telling me that my joy would be as exceeding as was my pain. (Alma 35:20)

That moment is the reason why I share these private thoughts. The connection I have made with people who are or have suffered from a similar situation are reminders that I am to be a witness of truth. A witness that we are all children of God and He loves us and would never leaves us. Not only does He not leave us, he gives us angelic aid.

I could have had that “successful life” in that city–sans husband, but suddenly the maze came to an end. Walking back in was not an option. Somehow I had the clarity at the time that the purpose of the walls no longer existed. What mattered is that I had an opportunity to seek the fulfillment of a promise.

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I gave My First-Evers journal its name after I began to see that my fears could overtake me if I let them. My Grandma Sammy used to call that action a waste of energy. And I believed everything my Grandma Sammy said. Even if I don’t always heed, I believe.

And so it begins. In order to appreciate the light, you have to go into the dark.

My First-Evers

 

Journal Entry #1

Las Vegas, NV

December 7, 2005

 

As of 2:42 p.m. yesterday, I am no longer married. I don’t know how to be here.

 

I have been whittled down to my core. I am walking down that dusty road to Emmaus, unsure of tomorrow, but knowing who it is I am to put my trust in. Nothing else should matter and yet I’ve never felt so alone. In my numbness, I know my Father and Brother are carrying me through this.

 

I will ever be grateful for my family and loyal friends who help me believe in my future. I’m trying to remember to count my blessings so “every doubt will fly.”

 

Lynsie A. Grimes

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Two weeks later, I  moved to Utah to be near my family.

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Seattle, WA

December 26, 2005

 

Tonight I am struggling with the pain of all that was lost. I’m writing to help myself move on. Going backward is not an option. Going forward is terrifying.

 

I hope to find the faith I need to overcome my fears.

 

Mostly I’m able to figure out how to put my trust in the Lord, but then moments can come and they knock me flat.

 

I’m in Seattle for Christmas visiting my sister, thanks to a generous gift from my parents.  My other older sister is also here.

 

I don’t know how I would have gotten through this without my sisters! They continue to rescue me. Here in Seattle, they have helped me talk through what it is I want from life. At the age of 30, it seems incredible that I don’t know what I want.

I’ve decided to take some time and do the things that were strongly discouraged for so many years that I stopped bringing them up. I see now that I have learned to believe in the bad stuff of me and I don’t know how to stop this. Everything I’ve been working toward is gone; a life that no longer exists. I’ve been living but lost myself in the process.  I have nothing to offer anyone. I’m empty.

 

LAG

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Elmo, UT (Moved in with my parents as a docking place.)

January 2, 2006

 

I want to crawl in a hole until I can’t remember all the pain… Knowing, remembering things makes me sick inside. I have to let it go. Quit burying it with “things”—quit going around it and start going through it. But I don’t want to be strong anymore!

 

I’ve spent years trying to figure out how to hang on to a man that was slowly slipping away. One of the hardest parts of where I am is believing that I did my best to do what was right and seeing now that none of it brought forth fruit.

 

It’s been 5 months since the drop off the cliff. I now know my 30th birthday was the pushing and shoving to the edge. It’s going to take longer than a few months to reverse all that my emotions and brain have gone through since then.

 

Watching my family or anyone who appears to be traveling through life at a “normal” pace makes where I am clearer. I feel completely out of place.

 

I sleep until noon some days. I can see that my parents are wondering how I will survive this as well as the anger they have for my having to go through it, but they share only love and encouragement with me.

 

Going to a foreign country seems like I’m putting off life, but as my sister says, “What better therapy?”

 

LAG

_______

 

Elmo, UT

January 3, 2006

 

Mom and I went to the movie tonight and then to WalMart where I ran into a good friend of ours. He hugged me and said he and his wife were so sorry to hear about what happened (they knew us both), what could they do to help… We chatted for a bit and he hesitantly asked if I was up to dating because he had a friend he would like me to meet. I told him,”That’s a hard one for me.” In the course of our conversation I told him maybe I would warm up to the idea. What did I just do? I felt like I was in high school again. Maybe it’s because that’s the last time I dated. Sheesh!

___________________

(And back to the present.)

Today’s Syrupy Moment: Our new massage room is finished at the salon and I love it! It has been designed to fit couples (husband & wife, mother & daughter, sisters, friends and even has a divider curtain for disrobing privacy) and it includes one of those space heater/fire places. Even if the fire is fake, it’s still as mesmerizing as the real thing.

2 thoughts on “Coming Out of the Dark

  1. Lyns, You express your feelings so well and so beautifully. Many of them, I too felt but couldn’t articulate. So glad you survived, so glad I survived. Thanks for sharing again. You are such a great example. I told John the other day “Lynsie is an angel”….I believed it then – I believe it now!

Your comments are the butter to my bread.

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