The past few weeks amount to swallowing one horse sized capsule of Life Lesson.
Time has been a blur in a succession of moments that included clarity, shame, guilt, tears, hope, trust, prayer, love, and honesty. Heavenly Father has put me in a place where I could face some gut wrenching facts about myself.
I am a people pleaser.
But this fact is just the tip of my iceberg.
All that lies below has infiltrated my life to an extent that is embarrassing. But I can’t care about that and get over it at the same time. The embarrassment and all that lies below it requires a power that I don’t own.
“Nevertheless, the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by his grace and his great condesensions unto the children of men, that we have power to do these things.” (a)
I am recognizing how I have tried to control everyone I love. And even those I don’t. I anticipate their feelings or behaviors and in doing so I change my behavior. I’ve actually given up control in my effort to control. And I didn’t even know I was trying to control.
Today I am learning to let go of the lies I’ve told myself. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
The biggest lie? — There are only two choices in life: 1) Do something, or 2) Feel guilty. (b)
Jesus Christ took upon Himself our infirmities along with our sins. He bled from every pore. His physical pain and physical death covers everything physical we may feel in this life. But it’s his bleeding from every pore that covers all the rest of it–the sin and the emotional pain. Such an act is not a physical possibility; it had to be an act only He, the Son of God, a perfect man could do.
Chipping away at this false me–the upside down mountain bobbing under the sea–feels like it will take infinity. It’s incomprehensible. But I have been reminded that the Savior “…descended below all things, in that he comprehended all things, that he might be in all and through all things, the light of truth;” (c)
And, His atonement is infinite. (d)
The time has come for me to trust Him. That time never passes. He waits for us all.
(a) Book of Mormon, Jacob 4:7
(b) Meldoy Beattie, Codependent No More
(d) Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 9:6-7